Hi Everyone :)

I'm so sorry I haven't kept you all updated and chatted over the past couple of months, but a lot has gone on really, and I didn't always feel like coming on here.

So basically I've been having flare after flare... the first being a few months ago. I became really down, because I'd been great for so long and had no pain. So I went pretty down hill, I was off school for weeks and felt so low.
It got to a point were I was feeling suicidal, none of my "friends" were bothered, they just continued with the same old "we thought you were better now". It got to the point were I rang NHS direct and spoke to someone, who told me I should really go and see he GP. So I did, and he said I have reactive depression as I haven't actually accepted the fact I have this illness yet. He referred me to some councellors.
However, they started to mess us around, they said they'd visit on a certain day and then wouldn't turn up. A month went by and I was still no better, so I did the stupidest thing I've ever done and took an overdose - I was having a panic attack and nobody was around, I felt out of control and didn't realise what I was doing. My dad took me to hospital and luckily I hadn't taken enough to do any serious damage. In the hospital i spoke to a social worker who has RA, and she made me feel alot better. So from then the councellors hurried up a bit, and I had a session, but to be honest it didn't help at all, because the woman had no idea about RA - it was more about her asking me questions about my illness than anything else. So after that I decided it wasn't going to help.
I then kept having panic attacks and continued to feel depressed. My best friend for 5 years hadn't even contacted me, and eventually we had a massive argument, where she told me that she "couldn't be bothered with my depressive s***" and that if she had my illness she would "just get on with it knowing it wouldn't go away". The rest of the girls backed her like sheep. So they are now out of my life, as they continued to constantly say insensitive things, effectively causing me more panick attacks.
So on top of all this, I felt thankful that I had Ricky as support. Untill I finally found out that he had been cheating on me with some random 29 year old divorced woman. He was soon got well and truely rid of. And I suppose at that point things could only go up.

After the whole over-dosing incident, my head teacher had decided it'd be best for me to be home schooled to get me through my exams. So I did that, and so far I have done 8 of my 18 exams, the next 10 and in the next weeks. One positive is my exams are going reeally well, I've had so much time to learn and revise without the stress of going to school.
The leaving day of my year was Friday, and despite the fact i'd developed some sort of phobea of going into that building, I managed to get it together and go in for the leavers assembly in the afternoon, which felt weirdly difficult but I felt so good that I'd done it, and it was a big step forward.

As for friendships, i know who my real friends are now, and have become much closer to them. I'm also going with 3 of my girl friends to my grandparents house on the coast in belgium on the 24th of june as our end of exam holiday!

I feel mentally like I'm almost back on track. Joints etc are still bad though and I had my Shoulder injected today, which was the first time i've had a joint injection and wasn't really pleasant at all - but hey ho!

It's been pretty tough - but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Despite of all this I have done some crazy things... for instance, I had my hair cut very short, and bought a baby ball Python - she's called Gabby! I have also changed all my options for A level, I was doing sciences as I though it would keep my options open seeing as I didn't know what I wanted to do. But now I've decided I want to do Interior Architecture and Design, so I've changed the options to - Chemistry, English Lit, History and Art. I'm really looking forward to starting college in september and meeting lots of new people.

Hope you are all well and my big rant hasn't done your head in too much!
Lots of Love
Hannah

xxx

Hi Hannah,

It's lovely to hear from you but I'm so sorry to hear how down you got!
It sounds as if you are now coming out the other side but I just wish you had posted on here to get some support, we might have been able to help you through the worst bits!
Something else that might have helped you would have been to ring NRAS and get support on the helpline. It might still be worth doing that , you could be put on touch with someone you could talk to regularly and it would be someone who knows all about RA.
Also, you have my e-mail address, get in touch with me if ever you need to. Please don't let yourself hit rock bottom again, there is always help available at NRAS.
I'ts good to hear you are getting through the exams in spite of how ill you've been, and good luck for the rest of them.
You are right, you certainly find out who your friends are when you have RA! I hope you have a lovely time in Belgium, I'm glad you have some good friends who are standing by you.
I love your hair, by the way!

Lots of love, Doreen xx

Dear Hannah, I know I am quite new, so you dont really know me, but would just like to say i am so glad you have come out the other side of this terrible time. We are all here for you any time, its so annoying not to have the pm anymore, it would have helped you to have people to pm. I can understand why you say the counsellors dont help, if they dont understand the illness, they cant help you!!
Please send e mails to anyone you have addresses for. I think i once tried to send a e mail to you after reading a post, but it wasnt delivered, said the address was wrong or something.
Sounds like th exams are going well, and now you have changed the options, hopefully you will feel more in control. My daughter Georgia is 17 and doing AS levels, she had to drop physics, as it was so hard, still doing chemistry and biology plus phisosophy and ethics, she is now looking at becoming a biology teacher.
As for your so called friends!! friends they are not!! enjoy your visit to Belgium, it will do you good. Take care of yourself x x

Hello Hannah how lovely to see your back
hugs hun so sorry what youve eben threw, times like those we really need good support so glad see you got extra help re study at home and done so well with your exams.
well done you and off to college thats fabulous.

always always post especially when low,ive had RA since 17.
now 38 lol
so good see your ra calmed down to what it had been.
much lv#melly

Hi Hannah

I think you should come on here more offton as though we are the oldies .
Maybe we know what you are talking about .And Maybe can help .

Have you seen a phyiso for beathing for the panic atacks they know what they are doing and it really helps . retaining breathing
And try the mentel health team and ask for help with realaxing the breathing re training and the realaxing training togeter are very very good .
once you are back in concrol maybe you will feel better .

i can understand the freind bit but hard for me to explain .Try a differant line of looking for tpyes of friends ????? ( sorry that might not read what i mean ) I think at your young age some friends would be mature or still child like .So not suportive in so to speak .
it could change for better as you get older ????


come on here more ofton as there may be good adise ??

christine

Thankyou all so much for your replies.

I know I should come on here more often, I seem to go through phases of feeling like I want to be really open and talk about things, and phases when I close of at usually only speak to my mum about things. But maybe that is the reason that the times I am on here are the times I'm feeling better about things! haha

As for the shoulder injection I had.... NEVER AGAIN! The whole night I was in absolute agony! How do you guys do it!? haha, feeling much better now though which is a relief

There is one worry that I have at the moment, which I haven't spoke to anybody about... and that's that I feel like I'm not very fun at the moment, and like I'm too serious and have become too tough and unable to express feelings like I used to. I do reassure myself that I am doing GCSE's at the moment, so I suppose what I'm doing by just concentrating on them is right.. but I just feel like I'm not as open anymore, a close friend of mine called me an "ice maiden" the other day, and even though we share plenty of banter I can actually see where he's coming from! I think maybe I just don't trust people as easily, I used to be extremely open with people, but now that's all changed. Just want to be my fun self again!


love Hannah
xx

Hannah, my love PLEASE TAKE YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS OFF THE FORUM NOW. A few members have had malicious e-mails recently and I'd hate this to happen to you too.

Love Jeanxxxx

Hi Hannah,

I've been thinking about you lately, wondering why you have not been on line, you were the first one I think to contact me when I came on line. So sorry to hear you have had such a bad spell, but glad you are on the up now. Depression is such a traumatic time when you are so young, always remember there are people who care about you and who would be devastated by the loss of you. Its not always easy to see when you are that low but things do improve given time. They are definitely improving with you now, so glad you are doing well in your exams and you have a lovely holiday booked. Look forward and focus on the good things in your life, your mind plays a big part in your wellbeing. Keep in touch and remember we all care about you too. thinking about you Lorna xx

Bless you Hannah, really feel for you, So sorry to hear of what you have went through. Your such a brave young lady, Hang in there and take care, Much love, Alison xxx